LaTeR, iN aNoThEr PaRt Of ToWn

bateman and i went to the writing group. at first, it appeared to be disasterous. children and old folk, and no one willing to actually critique. for a bit, i considered saying nothing and just letting it pass, but instead i made an effort, critiqued some poetry, and we ended up actually having some fun. i�m hoping we can recruit some new people in the coming weeks. get a little life into that thing.

LaTeR, iN aNoThEr PaRt Of ToWn

no tennant yet. now FOUR people have said that yes, they were taking the place, and they were just running to get a deposit, and then promptly fell off of the earth. it�s becoming slightly comical. strangely, we�re now becoming more picky about who moves in. i�d now like to like the person. but where is this person? who needs an apartment? come on, person, exist!

LaTeR, iN aNoThEr PaRt Of ToWn

yesterday i had a root canal that took two hours.
now that was two days ago. this entry isn�t going well.

LaTeR, iN aNoThEr PaRt Of ToWn

i have some serious body dismorphia going on, and no matter how much i try to fix it, it doesn�t budge. maybe i need a new therapist. i don�t know. what i do know is that i�m 31 years old and no matter what i do, when i see myself in the mirror, or look at a photo of myself, i�m AGHAST. i�m just sickened by the difference that lies in what i think i should look like and what i actually do look like. it�s bad enough to where it can put me in tears. i�d moved past it a little, just a little, but then this summer came, and the tick bite and i just got knocked down so far that everything in my universe seems like it crumbled. nothing has changed, really. my life is still the best it�s ever been, but for whatever reason, my feelings about myself really got totally fucked by three goddamned scars on my neck from the central line. three tiny little dots led to a really bad time last night with my sister.

LaTeR, iN aNoThEr PaRt Of ToWn

i was already in a state of hysteria when she showed me something that implies that her (i hope) ex boyfriend at some point tried to kill her. she refused to talk about it. when my face even looked like i was going to ask, she shut down in a way i�ve never seen before. it left a huge ball in my chest of panic and fear and sadness that i was really frightened was permenent. when we left the bedroom, and she went home, bateman told me he hates when my sister comes over. there are always tears when i see my sister. i told him that i hate that the only way he knows her is the way she is now. he sees her as an unstable, unbalanced person whose life is always wildly out of control and who makes poor decisions. and i thought to tell him, no! that�s not what she�s like, she�s not this way at all, and then i thought, except for the past 5 years. but she�s 21, the past 5 years have been the ones where she�s had the most control, and she�s had none. that scared me. that makes me think that maybe i am not going to be the only source of death and tragedy for my family. bateman held me while i cried for a while, but the ball was still there. we watched the penn and teller magical mystery tour and laughed, but it was still there. it started cracking sometime between bateman trying to tell me something with a mouth full of toothpaste foam that ended badly and with a spray and me coughing while we were snuggling and almost vomiting on his head.
he told me there was nothing i could do, that it likely was her ex. �if it were a knife weilding mexican, she�d likely have called the police� was how he put it. and that�s true. �go back in time,� he said, �tell yourself to leave the situation with the boyfriend that beat you up. explain it well and see how good you listen.� and that�s true too. i pushed into him and told him that i never wanted anything to come into our bubble. he said �me either.� and then i was able to sleep. after i told him to wake me up if i were having bad dreams, anyway.

LaTeR, iN aNoThEr PaRt Of ToWn

ug, my batteries were part of the recall. goddamnit. it�s always something, seriously. i hope the apple store in smithaven mall opens soon. i need new keys on this thing, and my stupid L is sticking.

LaTeR, iN aNoThEr PaRt Of ToWn

there was some excellent news that was going to go here about me completely redoing my webstore and having found an amazing new artist who isn�t just fabulously talented but actually a really cool guy in a kindred spirit sense but i think i�m going to keep this entry 100% miserable for now, so i�m going to go.
by the way, this is the picture that started the cascade.

TuNe In NeXt TiMe, SaMe Bat PlAcE, sAmE bAt PaGe...