LaTeR, iN aNoThEr PaRt Of ToWn

so i missed everything. i missed the ikea summer sale, i missed father�s day and my brother�s birthday. i missed the plant exchange, and i missed the reading group and this month�s book doesn�t look all that interesting. sucks to be me, eh? maybe it wasn�t meant to be? hard to say. i�m really behind on work stuff and things now, so maybe it�s for the best that i skip this month anyway. for my birthday, i�ll try again. sometimes you have to just do what you can with what you got. i should be happy i even survived. i really wasn�t sure i was going to at all.

LaTeR, iN aNoThEr PaRt Of ToWn

i�ll finish this when we get back, we�re going to a bbq!

LaTeR, iN aNoThEr PaRt Of ToWn

ok, 2 days later. now.
the bbq wa ok, and after, bateman and i came home and walked down to the water to watch the fireworks. i can�t wait until walking to the water isn�t exhausting anymore. i�m like a kitten.
bbq type situations are always weird. people our age are just so old. who serves cheese? bear in mind, i love cheese, really i do, however, who thinks to serve it? with crackers on a tray? old people. that�s who. everyone�s just, strange. maybe it�s all the babies around or something. i just don�t know. i�m starting to loose my lonliness over it at least. i saw a study that well over 50% of American adults have no close friends outside of their partners. that made me feel a lot less lonely because we�re all lonely, together.

LaTeR, iN aNoThEr PaRt Of ToWn

i had a bad night when i got home where i kept playing the hospital visit over and over in my mind. real PTSD like. that�s never happened before and i�m glad it was just one night. the whole thing was a tremendous horror.
to sum up, i felt shitty for months. something was awry, but i didn�t know what it was. i did know that toward the end, i was insanely itchy and i�d seen a deer tick on me. i went to dr. b and told everyone the deal. i also mentioned that my first cousin had been diagnosed with hodgekins a few years back and his first symptom was crazy itching. dr. b�s resident suggested that perhaps i was a hypochondriac.
whore.
i didn�t cry right there, but i had therapy after and man, did i cry in there. who the fuck did that woman think she was? seriously. i�m fucking chronically ill, bitch. should i NOT mention relevant family history and random parasites? on top of that, i don�t LIKE going to the doctor, dr. b is always upset that i don�t come in ENOUGH. does that sound like a hypochondriac to you? if i were one, wouldn�t i be in ALL THE TIME? goddamnit. i�m seriously considering making an appointment just to confront her about it. just to let her know that if it were up to her, i�d be dead and that i was very close to death for the two weeks that i was in the hospital, which doesn�t sound particularly like hypochondriacal behavior to me. i�m pretty terrible with confrontations. i�ve never really told anyone who hurt me that they did. i�ve always just taken it and let them think they were right. i�m likely responsible for miles and miles of smug, but goddamnit. i really feel for some reason that i need to be a grownup and stand up for myself on this one.
anyway, eventually, i went back to my primary doc and she did think there was something wrong. i was really bad by then. a lot of pain, and chills and incredible weakness. i was so tired. i couln't lift a glass to drink. it was all i could do to bring in my venus flytraps at night. i had a fever which just is not normal for me at all. i�ve only had a fever once before in my life. my body just can�t pull that kind of response off, so when i took my temp and it was over 100, i was scared.
she took blood and sent me home on doxycycline, she thought it might be lymes. i wasn�t home long when the pain just exploded. i couldn�t breathe it had gotten so bad. bateman was home, but he�d just worked 9 days in a row and right when it got unbearable he�d set down for a nap. i didn�t have the heart to wake him up. i didn�t even have the heart to really let him know how bad the pain was either. i called around looking for my brother. i figured if something bad happened in the car on the way to the ER, at least he�d be able to help. sadly he was working, but in the end my dad came and took me there. we got in at 7pm and at 4am they told us they could see parasites in my blood, but weren�t sure what they were.
they were babesia, a relative of malaria.
http://www.astdhpphe.org/infect/babesiosis.html
sadly, i have no spleen and a shitty immune system so i almost died. apparently, i also had erlychia and lymes. the next two weeks are a blur of fever and pain. the worst pain i�ve ever experienced in my entire life. it just went on and on. there were spinal taps and central lines and transfusions. there was talk of a blood exchange that, at the very least, made me feel akin to keith richards. it was brutal and horrible and terrifying. bateman slept at the foot of my bed every night. i am lucky to both be alive and to have him. being back home is amazing.
there is still some pain, and some bad days mixed in. it will be from 4 weeks to 4 months before i�m fully myself, but it appears that the worst is past. i need to get back to Stony Brook to get retested. check my parasite level and make sure the hemolysis has stopped, but i�m mostly doing alright. i wish it would get a little bit more sunny out. i need to get rid of the last remaining bilirubin. i�m still itchy, but at least the jaundice is going away.

LaTeR, iN aNoThEr PaRt Of ToWn

i�m supposed to go to therapy today, but i�m not sure i�m feeling up to it. it�s rainy, i�m tired and pukey. also, my mom is in surgery today and it�s making me nervous. i�m not sure what time she�s supposed to get out and i have to depend on my dad to call me. my dad�s a little �absent minded professor� on a good day, so this is tense. one would think therapy might help that, but it�s a 25 minute drive. i don�t know. i�ll try to decide by noon.
i hate when life is hard just because you�re weak, and sick and small. that�s what you get sometimes though, and that�s just something to get past.
i am so afraid of insects now. i hope to get past that too.

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