| Entitled: tough days
diary
last night bateman goes out to hot tub and all is well. when he comes in, i’m hysterical.
see, while he’s in the tub, i’m watching the L word, minding my own business when they spring “you are my sunshine” and a creamated dead of cancer friend on me. is that the universal song for dying of cancer friends? i don’t know, but it was the me and Tuesday song, that is for sure. and when i first see that it’s happening, i think, i’m going to be ok. and then, all of the sudden, i’m so not ok. i’m beyond not ok and i need a hug, but bateman is in the tub. so i go to pee, because i’m going out to get in that tub and when you go to sit in hot water it’s best to pee first. but bateman has already come inside. in my crying i didn’t hear the door and so he’s suddenly there in front of me and he says “hello!” and i just collapse crying. he has an innate sense of hormonal vs. truly sad crying and acts accordingly. he hugs me and holds and and takes me inside to watch rich franklin beat up on the crow. by the end of the fight, a stunning 25 minutes, i’m feeling better, my pain is lessened, and rich franklin has broken his hand.
incidentally, before the tears and the L word, before Big Love and the sopranos too (sunday night is going to be a fat ass tv night, i can tell) GSP won his bout too, though it was the first time i’ve ever seen him so bloody. a crimson mask to be sure, but he won, and that, for me, is what matters. i do love some GSP, he’s awesome.
LaTeR, iN aNoThEr PaRt Of ToWn
walking group got rained out on sunday, but hopefully it’ll clear up today and i can get a couple of miles in on the street or something. i need to get a ton of work done though, so it will be tough to justify. i’m so behind, so extremely behind. it’s kind of awful.
LaTeR, iN aNoThEr PaRt Of ToWn
money is so tight. everything is so tight. slowly things are happening, but not enough. not fast enough. i need to talk to my mom, what happened to that help? i’m afraid to ask, but i think i have to. she told me not while she was off, but it’s been 4 or 5 months, and i really need that help.
LaTeR, iN aNoThEr PaRt Of ToWn
i had a reaction to my infusion. i am living in terror. if they take away my medication, i might as well kill myself right now, because my life will not be worth living. i am so afraid, and i’m only 30. i can’t go out like that. i can’t, it’s not fair. things are just starting to go well.
i wonder if people from my past will try to contact me in 5 years only to find that i’ve died. i’m always afraid to do the same. i don’t want to hunt down the dead, but for some reason i’ve always thought i’d escape. now i’m not going to and it’s going to be grandpa all over again.
my grandpa was a motherfucker. just a mean mean man. when he died, i cried, but not because he was gone. i cried because my last chance to have him treat me like a decent human being was gone, and that really really hurt.
LaTeR, iN aNoThEr PaRt Of ToWn
i should make breakfast for myself. i think it’s an oatmeal day. i should wash the dishes, i should get to work. i should do a shitload of stuff, but i think until bateman wakes up, i’m just going to sit here on my ass and have my morning.
ps, go and see and buy. it would help in all things, seriously.
TuNe In NeXt TiMe, SaMe Bat PlAcE, sAmE bAt PaGe...
atmosphere: i'm feeling: i learned:
Submitted On: Monday, Mar. 13, 2006
11:05 am
0 comments on this?
|
